I SHIT IN THE MILK!

LANGUAGE ACQUISITION

I recently experienced that horrible moment when you witness a piece of your child’s innocence stolen...forever.

“Mom is fuck a bad word?”

“Yes. A VERY, VERY bad word.” (And for the love of God, PLEASE don’t ever let such filth come out of that sweet, honest, innocent, wholesome, organically-fed mouth of yours again!)

Warning: I will now slowly ease into to a shitload of swearing because that is what this post is all about! Spanish “palabrotas" or "tacos”...aka bad words will be said.

Never mind that I say “fuck” all the time when I stub my toe or break a glass. I don’t know what happened. My parents didn’t raise me that way. In fact, growing up in small town Minnesota, my parents wouldn’t even let me say “crap”. In extreme circumstances I was able to get away with “crud” or “shucks”, but it was better to just keep my mouth shut and yell on the inside. My parents were both teachers. I only heard my mom legitimately swear once when I was a teen. I vividly remember her getting extremely worked up and trying to say “shit”, but it was so forced and unnatural that it didn’t even come out as an entire word. She never really made the effort again. My father, on the other hand, was a bit of a contradiction. He always was always preaching manners and had a huge poster hanging in his classroom that said, above all else: “May I please...and...thank you”. But he still had a temper and my sister and I learned all the ‘classics’ from him (he was also hockey coach).

I didn’t really develop comfort with these words until I met Davin. He is able to pull off swear words in ways that are casual, harmless, playful, and versatile. Over the past decade of our marriage I’ve adopted much of this vocabulary, mainly because of it’s function in communicating emphasis. Swear words easily gain attention from your listener and provide verbal explanation points that other words just don’t do as...effectively. For the record: we do NOT swear in front of our kids and try to instill all the same values in our kids as our parents did with us.

PALABROTAS

For all of us, moving to Spain has forced a lot of growth and change, but more so for the kids. Our kids have learned a lot of survival skills at school that they didn’t need in Minnesota. Initially they were bullied, called names, and over time had to figure out which kids were worth being friends with. As their parents, it has been hard to see them leave the safe ‘bubble’ they have lived in naively and happily all their lives, and watch them slowly lose pieces of their innocence. Both kids have come home asking me what certain naughty hand gestures and words (such as fuck, idiota and tonto) mean.

Naturally, I found this very upsetting and decided I’d better dedicate some of my Spanish language studies to understanding palabrotas (swear words): their meaning and the context in which they are used. Aren’t swearwords the first vocabulary you learn in a foreign language? (Clearly I’m behind the curve). I’ve talked with parents, teachers, friends, and have eavesdropped on many spanish conversations. To further my understanding I attended an “Epic Ranting” class put on by my spanish teacher’s 19 year old daughter, who by age, must be as credible as it gets to teach modern, relevant, and trending Spanish swear words.

The situation in which the poor girl was subjected to was pretty hilarious -twelve ‘old’ people (I’m referring to myself & mostly Brits) sat around a table at the cafe studiously, with notebooks and pens, anxiously awaiting for her to drop some ‘knowledge’ on us. #awkward #butshehandleditwell

Why did we, especially the English retirees, want to learn these ‘palabrotas’? ...because we’re out taking shots with 19 year olds at the bar and need to relate! No. Of course not. It's because, shockingly to us english speakers, they are used as much in normal spanish conversation as the words “ummm" and "like” are used in normal teenage english conversation. Serious. With more information I’ve learned to take my children’s vocabulary inquiries with a grain of salt. #thanksjessica

Everyday spanish doesn’t exist without swearing. It flows in and out of run-of-the-mill spanish sentences in ways that we could never imagine in english. How? Well, for starters, let me provide you with the most commonly used ‘tacos menu’ and some examples of how they are used:

TACOS

joder	fuck
coño	c*nt (I can’t even type this one it’s so offensive in english)
mierda & cagar	shit & to shit
puta	bitch, whore, slut
polla	dick (not to be confused with pollo: chicken)
cabrón	male goat, but means bastard / asshole
cojones	balls (not to be confused with cajones: drawers)
hostia	holy fuck

Most common palabrotas: joder & coño
A hot girl walks by:   ¡Coño! (Daaaaaaamn)
You stub your toe:   ¡Coño!  (fuck)
Someone tells you something surprising:  ¡Joder coño! (really?!?)
Someone does something annoying: ¿Que coño? (what the heck?)

Frustration using cagar:  “Me cago en…” = “I shit on…" followed by anything:

Me cago en la leche:  I shit in the milk
Me cago en el mar:   I shit in the sea
Me cago en todo:    I shit on everything

Common insults:

Eres un comemierda:   You are a shiteater

Toqueme los cajones:   Touch my balls
No tienes huevos:    You don’t have balls

Como me el pollo:    Eat my dick

Nadie te quiere:    Nobody loves you (This surprisingly was considered the most harsh of all)

Positive uses:

Esta comida es la putamadre:   This food is the fucking mother  (really good, best)

Estas de putamadre:    You are a fit sexy woman

Ella es la puta ama:   She is the fucking boss (because she sorted something out or got a new job)

This is more or less an ‘a la carte’ menu because you can mix and mash these words in SO many artistic ways. Like communication in any language, the most important thing to keep in mind is that real meaning lies in how it is said. Everything written above is more or less innocent. I remember my shock when overhearing a conversation at my kid’s tennis lesson. I was able to deduce, mainly through nonverbals, that the instructor was telling this four year old boy to go pick up more balls because he didn’t do his share. His response “¡Coño! Cogí suficientes bolas ya”. My english brain was like “Ummm did he just call his coach the...c...word?!?”

Ultimately it’s all harmless. If you really, really want to offend someone in spanish you simply involve: A) someone’s mom or B) God. “Me cago en tu puta madre” (I shit on your bitch of a mother) or “Me cago en dios (I shit on God). Say this and shit gets real.

A Few Other Tips: 

Things ‘gringos’ say when learning spanish that don’t really mean what we think:

• “Estoy Caliente” (I am - hot) actually means “I’m horny”- correct is “Tengo calor” (I have heat)
• “Tengo ganas” (I am excited) actually means “I’m horny” if you don’t follow it up by explaining what you are excited for. Before knowing this little tip I told many people I was horny.
• Paquete = package, also means men’s package
• Pajita = straw, nickname for tiny penis
• Huevos = eggs, also means men’s balls in certain contexts
• Capullo = bud of flower, also means idiot
• Zorra = female fox, also means slut

EXPANDED VOCABULARY

Like any dedicated student, I’ve been trying to incorporate this expanded vocabulary into my spanish conversation so I can sound more like a native. A recent study found that “a large knowledge of profanities could actually be associated with a wider fluency with words in general” -rather than rudeness or ignorance (http://goo.gl/xrYxYt)! ¡hostia! 
So how’s it going? Well, I’m afraid that when I try pull off ¡joder! in spanish it’s about as fierce as that one time my mom tried to pull of shit in english. I guess I’ll just have to keep practicing so I can swear like la putamadre.

As for the kids, I’m not so keen on this expanded vocabulary. Davin and I try to be clear with the kids on how WE speak in OUR family because that is really all we can control. But what I have learned from all of this, is that if they do decide to swear, they better do it in español or they will be in DEEP mierda!

Hope you all can enjoy some creative word play after reading this. Or if you have some more 'knowledge' to drop on me I would tengo ganas por eso, coño!